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Expectations

burning-heart

Written in 1999

When I was with you last, I lay there praying to God while you were sleeping…. “Thy will and not my will be done”… because I know He knows what is best… not me. I just don’t want to lose you for a reason that is based on something you fear about me, which is not a reality. I know I have to accept the fact that things will work out for the best, and will be as they were meant to be. The only thing to fear is fear itself, for we never really lose anything of value… not anything that we really need. I know it will not do me any good to try and hold on to you, if it’s not what you want… or is not what is meant to be. It is said that “The things that are yours will come to you”… and that we do not have to go out and try to find them.

It is no wonder that I have not been able to admit that I need someone and have tried to depend on myself… not only for the reasons I have already told you, but also because all my life I have lost the people that I have loved. They have all left me, one way or another, and one right after the other. This has made me feel very insecure in the past, like I shouldn’t even allow myself to love anyone anymore. But I have learned that is not rational thinking… and that it is even impossible for me to do… and I have made a conscious effort lately, not to put up walls to keep people out. I know it has all been to teach me the lessons that I have learned, in order to gain my present security and self-worth.

I just try to keep going, and think positively, knowing that God has a plan for everyone… and that we can’t always understand why.

Something you said to me in the bar, really hit home with me… when you looked at me and said that you didn’t believe me… that you didn’t believe that I loved you… and that you felt like I was not being honest with you. I felt like you were saying to me, that you thought I was trying to manipulate you… like you feel that if you allow yourself to believe me…”to fall for it” as you said that you will wake up one day to realize that you have been duped by me… that you will have fallen for a grand scheme that I am somehow master-minding in order to take something from you. I hope I was misunderstanding what you were saying, because if not, this makes me so sad… and makes me feel that I have not done a good job at allowing you to see who I am. I only wish that you really could see into my heart. I have nothing to gain by lying to you, or playing you, except pure misery and unhappiness in the long run… and no one understands this better than me. I truly was being honest with you and letting you deep inside when I wrote you those e-mails… and it was not easy for me to admit those things to you.

What is so ironic is that my stepfather did the same thing to me on Friday night (and has all my life). At dinner in front of everyone, he was accusing me of lying to him and manipulating him in order to get him to help me with something… and it was not true at all. He looked at me and said, “Shelley, I know how smart you are and there is no way you could have made that mistake… you don’t overlook things like that… I would have helped you anyway… you didn’t have to lie to me.” (He has done this to me all my life.) And the thing that is so sad is that I wasn’t lying and that I did make an honest mistake… but I couldn’t make him believe me. He cannot accept the person that I have become and cannot even begin to see who I am now… Nor can he see his own responsibility in molding me… All he can see is his reflection in my eyes. He is so afraid to believe me, because he thinks that I will have somehow won something out over him if he does. He even persisted with it, when I kept saying that I did make an honest mistake and that I wasn’t lying, by saying to me, “OK Shelley, maybe you did make a mistake… I guess you aren’t as smart as I thought you were”… in an attempt to make me concede and admit that I was lying… because he thinks that I would think that being thought of as a liar would be better than thought of as being stupid.

Kade, every time he does this to me, I end up just smiling at him… it seems to be all I can do. I hate the fact that I do that, but I can’t help it… and I know it makes me look like I’m guilty of what he is accusing me of, and I don’t know why I do it… I think it’s so that I don’t cry instead. I am telling you this because that’s how I felt in the bar with you… I even smiled at you when you said you didn’t believe me. It’s almost like I am smiling at the justice in life, like I am being punished for ever manipulating in the past and that I will never be taken seriously again. It is not my fault that I was raised and influenced to be that way, and through God’s grace I have OVERCOME and triumphed over the past… and am the most genuine person you will ever know. You may know people as genuine as me, but not more so.

I have come to understand something really well lately, that I have read over and over again in my study of spiritual psychology. It is said that we see with what we are seeing with… meaning that we see others to be as we ourselves are. My stepfather sees me to be as he himself is… he is capable of doing what he accuses me of, and does it all the time, as a way of life… so that is why he believes that I am capable of doing it to him. Also… it is said that when others have an opinion (or perception) of what kind of a person we are, and when they continually tell us, “You are an X person,” that we start to perceive ourselves as being that type of person, and we then become that type of person, because we start to believe it.

This is especially true with children. I’ve realized that all my life, he has told me how smart I am and that I am a manipulator… so in the past I have believed myself to be that. I have become very capable of doing what he accuses me of… and have even been damn proud of it. It has taken a lot for me to get past this, and to get down to the core of who I am and what I want… outside of the realm of other peoples influences. I have come so far and am so happy to be who I am now… and it is NOT POSSIBLE for me (in my heart) to manipulate anyone anymore. Manipulation is not something to be proud of… it is a sad ego booster… sad because what you get out of your temporary imaginary win does not last… and eventually contributes to trapping you in a miserable and false reality (or prison). How can something ever become real and lasting, if it’s foundation is based on a lie? I do not ever want to have a relationship again that is NOT REAL!!!

I truly have shaken off my false personalities and let you in… and everything I have said to you has been absolutely from my heart… and if nothing else, I hope you will believe that.

The greatest gift I can give you, besides my love, is your freedom… from me and my attempt to hold on to you. I do not want to be selfish, and want to always put you before myself… even though it terrifies me to think that I will have to lose you in order to do so.

I will be your friend and will be here for you always, no matter what you decide, as I have already told you. I want more than anything for you to give us a chance, but realize that it is not up to me… so, I am going to stop asking you and know that you will get in touch with me, whenever you are ready.

Shelley