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Jealousy, Fear & Insecurity


Written in September of 1999

Kade and I 1999

How do I begin? Once again, you have inspired me to write and that’s a good thing (smile), although this is going to be a tough subject for me. But, regardless of it being a difficult topic, I don’t ever want to leave things unsaid between us.

I treasure the way that we are able to communicate honestly and I don’t want to see that change. I felt a little bad this morning, when I left you, because I really felt the need to talk to you about our conversation last night.

Regarding what you said about Kevin, I know that we had both been drinking and I think that maybe we should have had that conversation when we were sober… but then again, it probably never would have come up and it needed to be addressed.

I really feel it’s necessary for me to say something to you about you feeling jealous about how I was treating Kevin, and saying that you thought I was attracted to him. I assure you, that is not the case, not even in the slightest. Although, I admit I was consciously focusing my attention on him.

I was trying to make conversation with him, to lighten him up, to help take his mind off of his break-up with his girlfriend. Also, I just wanted to get to know him, because he is your best friend. I wanted so much for him to approve of me, because I know how important he is to you, and I want him to like me.

I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable or threatened by our relationship… like I might want to try to take you away from him. I don’t want him to feel like I will intrude upon your friendship, especially when he seems to be leaning on you so much right now for emotional support.

I never intended to make you feel jealous in any way and I apologize if that’s what I did… jealousy is the last thing I would ever intentionally want to make you feel. I care about you so much Kade and I want you to feel secure in that. You are so special to me, more than I can tell you, without scaring you away.

To me, you are like the Sun and I would make my life revolve around you, if you would let me. I see so much in you that I do not see… have not found… in other men. You should take this as the highest compliment, because I do not come by attraction easily… I have found it hard to come by, what I feel for you, where I feel equally, mentally and physically attracted… and where my soul feels at home.

I feel at ease when I’m with you. You are so beautiful and you do and say so many LITTLE THINGS that mean so much to me. I want you to know that I notice every single one of them and that I do not take them for granted, not for one second (even though you probably don’t even know what they are). I love what we have together and I want to see it continue to grow into the very special thing that I know it is meant to be.

I meant what I said last night though, when I said that I want you to feel like you can say ANYTHING to me. I do not ever want you to keep yourself from telling me the truth about how you feel, just because you are afraid that it will hurt me to hear it. I know that the truth does hurt very badly sometimes, but that it is always better to hear it than to live a lie.

“The truth will set you free,” and it always turns out to be what is best in the long run, even if we don’t want to hear it at the time. I was afraid, when you told me in the kitchen that you needed to talk to me, that you were going to tell me that you didn’t want to continue our relationship. I’m not going to lie to you, the thought of you saying that to me makes me feel very sick inside.

It would upset me terribly, but I would be able to deal with it, if it was what you truly wanted. I care about you so much already and have cried on several occasions, just from the fear that I will lose you. I have those jealous feelings, just like everyone does. It is just that I recognize these feelings now, as stemming from my own past fears… from my false belief that I was not truly worthy of being loved. So, as soon as they rear their ugly heads, I immediately try to kill them, before they get out of hand.

I now know that fear is only in my mind and that it can have no basis in my reality, unless I allow it to. I have learned that FEAR can create ugly monsters in our minds… It can control our emotions if we let it, causing us to act irrationally. Fear is what tears down relationships. There can be absolutely nothing wrong… but if we allow our fear to make us believe that there is, then we will actually make that wrong thing into a reality, by emotionally acting on that fear (that false perception).

I know that there is nothing that I can do to control how you feel about me, and that is a very scary thing… to be vulnerable and to risk having to feel that sick pain. But, like I’ve told you before, I do not want to protect my heart from you or to put up walls to keep you at a distance. I want you to know all the love that I have in my heart to give and I am offering it to you without expectation or condition.

I also want to talk to you about the dreams you said you had and you saying that my soul may not be meant to stay with yours, and that your soul may not be the one that mine is looking for. Maybe it is… Maybe it isn’t… only time will tell this for sure… but we will never know if we allow fear to stop us from finding out.

I do think that those dreams are just your subconscious mind trying to get you to recognize your own hidden fears… that’s what dreams are for, to make you realize the things that your conscious mind needs to recognize and deal with. I only say this to you, because I have worked through some major issues by learning how to tune into my own dreams… and I have had some amazing communication with my soul through dreams.

You said that you were told that my soul is special and that it needs to be shared… and that it is not yours to keep… And I believe that you are right, to a certain extent.

I believe that ALL souls are special and EQUAL… it is just that not all of us recognize how special we are. When we do not know who we are… (that we are a living soul – which is a small piece of God’s living Spirit, manifested in a human body, living on Earth, in order to learn how to overcome fear, by learning the real meaning and power of LOVE)… we tend to allow the fear of survival in this world, the fear of dying, the fear of failure, the fear of everything… to rule our existence.

So much so, that we stay so distracted with life, that we never take the time to realize the truth about our own power to defeat fear and to create our reality in the image of our choosing, merely by controlling our minds and emotions. People who live in a world controlled by fear and confused emotions are always placing their expectations for happiness on others, and are attracted like magnets to those who do know who they are.

I think this is true, because if we were not attracted to these people, we would never have the opportunity to learn what they have to teach… which is what we most need to learn. When someone finally recognizes the truth, (that they are their own source of LOVE and happiness), and they conquer their fears and ego, they become like the SUN… They emit a powerful energy that is like a source of light and love that others are drawn to.

Others become caught in the energy field of that person, the same way the planets orbit the Sun. This enlightened person then has a certain responsibility, because with knowledge comes the responsibility to share it, so that others can heal and find peace. “A light is not meant to be hid under a bush”… or something like that (smile).

That is how I feel… like a light that has the responsibility to shine on the path for others, and I HAVE TO EVER GUARD AGAINST MY BULB BURNING OUT (getting caught back up in my old selfish, egotistical thinking patterns)!

Ever since I have become spiritual, people are much more attracted to me, but most of them don’t really see ME (it’s not really me they are attracted to). It is like being a mirror in which they see their own reflection… I am simply reflectiing their own light waiting to be found. That is where that saying comes from, “The eyes are the window to the soul,” because the eyes are what act as the mirror to the other person.

It is said that when you look into someone else’s eyes, you will see your own soul staring back at you. Sometimes, this reflection is mistakenly confused as a sexual attraction by the person seeing it, because of the very strong feelings that it causes to be stirred up by that persons own soul. Their soul causes these feelings to subconsciously push them toward the source of the light (light meaning knowledge), so that they can learn the truth.

But… I know the truth about what these feelings really are, and I do not get confused anymore by what it is that somoene is really seeing when they look at me. I knew that this would happen to me more and more and I agreed to accept this responsibility of LOVE, by promising that I would share the knowledge I have learned with the people who are brought into my life.

But this does not mean that I cannot have a very special relationship with another soul, one who I am truly meant to accomplish something with. I believe with all my heart, that I will find that person… but I am not trying to make you into that person and I don’t want you to feel any responsibility for my happiness.

But… I do want you to know that you are special and that you are worthy of me! I have never had such an honest and open relationship with a man, one who makes me feel comfortable with expressing who I am, without making me feel threatened. Thank you for giving that to me, and for caring about who I am.

I don’t know what else I can say. I have been writing this all day, so I guess I’ll make this my stopping place. I hope that we can grow closer from sharing our thoughts with each other… the last thing I want to do is to lose you for some reason that is based on fear or lack of communication.