My 1st REAL Letter to a Guy
We met at a party and were emailing each other to get to know one another. He hadn’t asked me out yet, but I was very much hoping that he would. I wanted him to know where I was coming from first though, because I was in the process of learning to promote who I really was on the inside and on mastering the fear that my true self would be rejected.
It’s important not to hold back, edit or rehearse who you are, by playing some role you feel you must, in order to be accepted. When your words are the true voice of your heart, you will always win. Even if it’s not the outcome you initially hoped for, it will be the one that is best for you in the long run. When one door closes, another always opens… and it will be one that leads to somewhere even better, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time!
Written in August of 1999
I thought I would explain my comment from my last email, when I said “I’m pretty positive I am unlike any woman you’ve ever met.” I don’t want you to think I’m full of myself.
What I meant was that I’ve worked very hard to overcome possessiveness, jealousy and insecurity, which are the smothering factors that most women project onto men in relationships (and vice-versa), which stifle freedom. I know how important it is for people to have time to themselves, to think and to be alone.
Just to tell you a little more about myself, and why I am so deep…
My parents (mom and step-dad) had a fairy-tale life together, or so it appeared. My step-dad is a multi-millionaire. I call him my dad, because he’s been a dad to me for 23 years, and we are very close. My mom had the whole world ahead of her. She and my step-dad built a company together and after selling it, she retired young. They had a love I idolized and then she died on her 47th birthday, in June of 1994, from cancer. My step-dad, no matter how much money he has, is never really happy. He looks for things to ease some kind of longing but doesn’t seem to realize that happiness is something money can’t buy.
I’ve spent a lot of time alone trying to sort out life, figure out who I am, and come to an understanding of what I think life is all about. And as weird as this may sound, all of the pain I’ve been through has made me a much better person and I wouldn’t change anything.
This is my favorite quote:
“Heaven never kissed the soul of she who knew not hell.”
In my last email, I said that I would send you some things that I wrote. These are excerpts from letters that I have written, that help explain who I am right now.
…”I always used to make myself into what I thought other people wanted me to be. I thought that if I was the person they wanted me to be, I would be loved and never left behind. This is actually very sad and shows no self esteem at all. I have learned to love myself and have realized that I don’t need anyone else to validate my self worth. I now know that I could be alone for the rest of my life, and be ok, because all the love I will ever need is already inside of me. I have also learned how to give freedom and space to others and know that it is never right to place your expectations on another. When we expect someone to behave in a certain way, and when we measure their feelings for us by how well they live up to those expectations, we will always be disappointed. True love means placing no expectations on another and allowing them to be who they REALLY are. I now feel true inner-peace and am free from all of those “insecurity” hang-ups! (I hope anyway)…(smile)”…
…”I’ve come to realize that how we see others is controlled by what we are seeing with. How we “see” is the key to everything. Now when I look at people I see them for who they really are inside. Their appearance, what they drive, and how much money they have doesn’t matter. All that matters is if their heart is in the right place”…
…”In the past, I was so caught up in material success and trying to look beautiful, that I lost sight of the true meaning of life, which is love. The motivation to gain material objects has actually prevented me from having real happiness. No matter how much money I have acquired, it has never been enough to make me truly happy. True inner peace and happiness come from loving others as you love yourself, you just have to find that love for your self first.”…
…”The relentless drive to acquire things, combined with the pressures of surviving in the material world is what keeps us wrapped up in our own selfish existence and distracts us from seeing the true purpose for our lives.”…
…”I have come to realize that the only thing that really matters in this life is that we come to know, love and accept our selves and that our only real responsibility is to be true to our own heart. Finding and then living our TRUTH is the only thing that will ever really make us happy… not material wealth, not other people, not anything that this world can offer.”…
…”I believe that we are our own ‘Judge and Jury,’ and that we are always creating our own justice, be it reward or punishment, with every thought we give birth to. In the end, we must always return to ourselves and recognize that it is our beliefs that create reality. To change our reality all we have to do is change our perception. It is our PERCEPTION of what is right and wrong, what is moral and immoral, what is acceptable and not acceptable, what is expected versus what we truly want… that creates the reality we live in. When we come to realize that our only true responsibility is to our own soul and to projecting what is on the inside to the outside world, then we become empowered and are no longer willing to suppress our own needs.
This is when we are no longer willing to be a walking, talking dichotomy, trying to balance our hearts’ desires with everyone else’s false perceptions of what or how they believe our life should be. I believe we are creating our own reality in every moment, and that the outside world be it peaceful and happy, or a never-ending struggle, is merely a reflection of our inner most beliefs at the moment about who we are. When we recognize this fact and decide to live our truth no matter what anyone else thinks, then we become balanced and truly happy with our present, instead of living in a perpetual state of worry… reflecting on past mistakes or dreaming about future prospects.”
This is where I was coming from in my last email, when I said I have overcome fear.
“The things you fear are undefeatable, not by their nature but by your approach”…
FEAR (borrowed from Gifts from A Course in Miracles)
Fear is not justified in any form.
There is nothing to fear.
This simply states a fact.
It is not a fact to those who believe in
Illusions, but illusions are not facts.
In TRUTH there is nothing to fear.
Fear lies not in reality, but in the minds of Children
Who do not understand reality.
Only our minds can produce fear.
Attempting the mastery of fear is useless.
In fact, it asserts the power of fear
By the very assumption that it need be mastered.
The true resolution rests entirely on mastery
The need to recognize fear
And face it without disguise
Is a crucial step in the undoing of the ego.
Fear itself is an appeal for help.
This is what recognizing fear really means.
Fear and attack are inevitably associated.
If only attack produces fear,
And if you see attack as the call for help that it is,
The unreality of fear must dawn on you.
For fear is a call for love.
Look at what you are afraid of.
Only the anticipation will frighten you.
Under each cornerstone of fear
On which you have erected your insane
System of belief,
The truth lies hidden.
Where fear has gone, there love must come,
Because there are but these alternatives.
Where one appears, the other disappears.
And which you share becomes the only one
Without anxiety the mind is wholly kind.”
“How deceived was I to think that what I feared was in the world, instead of in my mind.”
…”I believe that it is only when we are willing to allow ourselves to become vulnerable, that we can truly learn and grow. Through vulnerability we can find our own true strength. Opening ourselves up is the only way we can truly become empowered. If we are always protecting ourselves from hurt, and building walls to keep people out, how can we ever learn the lessons they were meant to bring to us, the reason we attracted them into our lives in the first place?”…
“Wise art thou if thou knowest
That the subtle serpent of temptation
Is in truth the anointed One
Who bringeth thee to liberation…”
-Paul Foster Case
…”I have learned how to tame the restlessness roaring in the darkness, that beast within each one of us that would chain us to our own prisons, through the fear of the unknown.”…
I believe that we can not truly know and accept others, until we truly know and accept ourselves. When I know and accept myself, I can know and accept everyone else.”