Vulnerability, Pride & Admitting You Need Someone
Written in October of 1999
I want to be very, very, very honest with you. My self worth has been based on my mental aptitude, material success and my looks. And even though I’ve learned now, that this is not right and that I am worthy regardless, it still plays a big part into the person I allow others to see. I never want to be a burden to anyone, so I always pretend that I can take care of myself and that I don’t need anyone else… and that I never really will. And… I always try to hide my pain as well, because I want everyone to think I’m okay. I have been afraid that if someone thought I needed him, that it would make him feel burdened and that he wouldn’t want me.
I have gone out into the world, competed in it and proven to myself, and others, that I can do it, but I don’t want to do it anymore, it does not make me happy. I have always thought that if I could prove to a man that I could be successful, that it would make me worthy of his love, that he would love me for what I could accomplish. That is even why I bought that BMW, to show men that I was successful, and special and therefore worthy of being loved by them. It was like saying “here I am, don’t you want me”, I can make money, I’m as smart as you are, I can be your equal partner. But now, I know that was all a front. I was just being someone else, the person I thought someone else would want. I thought I could find love that way.
I have made you think that I would never need you to make me happy, that I would always be independent and self sufficient, but it’s not really what I want. I want to be needed, and I want to be able to let someone know that I need him.
I have also not been honest with you, about something else, I am in love with you, and I think you know this is true. I loved you before I even met you, and I fall even more in love with you, every time I see you, or speak to you. I just said I wasn’t yet, to try and protect you, and keep you from feeling any responsibility for me. But I know that is not right either. You are right in what you are doing, because I would not want to keep sharing myself with you physically, if you will never love me back… or if my ideals are not what you want for your own life. Sex to me is a spiritual thing and I have been giving myself to you, heart and soul, when we make love. And you are right, I would want my daughter to know that she was worth more, and that she shouldn’t settle for giving herself to a man who can’t love her back. You are absolutely right!
I wanted so badly to drop to my knees at your feet yesterday and wrap my arms around your legs and cry, pleading with you not to leave me. That is the truth. I do need you. I am being as honest as I can be with you. And still, no matter what, I WANT US TO BE LIFE LONG FRIENDS. I know you need time to think and I just wanted you to know the truth, while you are thinking about it.
I have a smile
Stretched from ear to ear
To see you walking down the road.
We meet at the lights
I stare for a while,
The world around us disappears.
It’s just you and me
On my island of hope.
A breath between us could be miles.
Let me surround you,
My sea to your shore,
Let me be the calm you seek.
And every time I’m close to you
There’s to much I can’t say
And you just walk away.
And I forgot
To tell you I love you,
And that the night’s to long
And cold here without you.
So I grieve in my condition,
For I cannot find the words to say
I need you so.